Allthings In the MIND

Sleep well dear , sleep well

I am bit depressed , or not depressed but I am not sure what is the right word for it , but I just don´t feel right
I D K
I have nothing to complain about really , but still I feel like shit ...
Or I do have ... stuff like police bothering me , GF that puts 7000€ to a clothes (not the amount , but the fact that she did not even thank me ... ) , bad attitude all around , one dear who I can not have , too much things to do ,... , I totally am not feeling right something is wrong in my body - I shit blood , and not a tiny amount but a freaking lot , nothing gives me joy anymore ( I think this is beyond normal spring depression ) , ...

Oh and different sidenote , I have this piece of glass stuck´d to a nerve in my left elbow ( when thumb is towards the body outer/upper side of the elbow right in the middle of fucking nerve-center ... ) it has been on there at least three years and has made some type of a ball around it self and my whole fucking arm is fecking bothering me , and I have been fucking waiting to get to a doctor for like two years now ( max time in finnish surgery line is six months ... )

So

I asked my friend to do some un-anesthetized open surgery with an two axes ( the glumb is putted over the piece of wood , one axe is placed above it ( sharp part between the glass and the elbow ) and then the non sharp side of the axe is hit´d with another axe , kinda like wedge .... there is no way my nerves would work after that blow and my elbow will be missing a quite chunk and probably there will be some damage done to at least some of the sinews in my left arm ( I know there will be some damage ... ) BUT I DON`T GIVE A SHIT , since the doctors do not want to treat the patient when he is not in hurry , they shall treat me as acute case instead of one in the surgery queue ...

I wish that I could feel more better , but I just can´t

I think I´ll survive ( well I have tried to kill my self enough many times to know that there is nothing human made in the world that can get me ) I will survive

Oh and we will photo shoot the whole surgery

I will hit the bed , soon

The piece of that glass stays on the elbow , at least for now

---

Me and Annika did broke up ,

No worries

I am off to bed , C Ya L8R

Off I am NOW

Take care man , take care

I go and start to watch the day watch

Message for summer 2010

I wish you all , who happens to have summer same time as I do
To have a happy , joyful , vivid and amazing summer full of love and romance
I hope that the winter for those who has winter next is also full of those things

Remember thinking good and nice thoughts keeps the evil out and devil at the bay
I actually had to write this down , because I am not used to speak freely about the things that comes to my mind

So have a happy part of the year , where ever you are , you are loved

I am happy for you ( because you found love ... )

I go to sleep now , C Ya L8R

I have never been afraid of killing , never .
I have killed my best mates before .

Am I monster ?
Why I am a monster ?
I see my self as bit more than human !
Should I not protect my self , when one attacks me ?

I have killed innocents too ( by accident ... ) these things haunt me to grave .
But I have also made lots of good things in life , like charity , voluntarism to greater good .

Again am I a monster ?
Should I turn my self in ?
I think I should not , it was written destiny for those innocents to get killed ... !
Should I go to jail for too many years ... ?

I was molested my whole childhood !
Those things have made me !
So I am psychopath of nature !
More dangerous , day by day !
My powers grows , from minute to minutes and from hour to hour !
When you know as much as I do about human death , the knowledge grows faster than anyone can forget !
I mean , when I look to a toaster , I see over hundred ways to kill someone ...

I admit I like killing , am I animal who enjoys surviving ?
I am messed mind , one of a kind , be-aware of me when I come after you !

But I have kind side too , if you don´t hurt me and if you do so if you apologize you are my friend .
But may the god hide you very well if you hurt me and don´t apologize , because then I am after you ...

Most of the time I am like normal man
But In darkness of the night , I am doing tai-ji in total darkness , just to be able to live when shit comes down !
I know this makes me look like a shrinks daydream , but in reality I am his nightmare !

Most of the stuff aims to a point ... and that point is not clear to anyone - yet

------------

My thought flow of today ....

I hit the bed now ( withdrawal to fentanyl is kicking in , i know i got more of it , but i just don´t want to use it ... )

I love you , you lil Argentinian tempter and I wish I could talk to you soon , but I am shaking too much to write that fast ... well I delay my leaving to that trip because of you ( I have the withdrawal to think about too , After all the main reason for me to leave to that trip is to get something else to think about instead of Annika ) but my "need" to talk to you is great , but even it can not take this shaking away - heck I have had heroin withdrawal before , many times , but this is something extra ...

I hope i make sense , since my body grieves that drug so baaad , and my mind grieves to talk with you ... and neither of those I am able to do now ( I have written this message like 30minutes now , so I am in rather bad shape )
I know that these symptoms are probably away tomorrow , so I hope you are online tomorrow ... because I love you ...

Take care you lil dear darling , take care

I wished so much to be able to chat with you today , but I need to cut this fentanyl using off NOW

Luv Ya , Take Care

Cradle Of Filth - Scorched Earth Erotica

Cradle Of Filth - Babalon AD ( So Glad For The Madness )

Cradle Of Filth - Bathory Aria

Cradle of Filth - The Death of Love

Mercyful Fate - The Lady Who Cries

Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine Overdose

Cradle of Filth - Dusk And Her Embrace

Opeth - Blackwater Park

Deicide - Father Baker's

NIGHTWISH - Nemo

Nightwish - Amaranth

Pantera - Drag the Waters

and few others ...

I would like to fuck your brains out honey
I would love to make love to you .... sugar
I want so much ....
I want you , only you ..... and no one else !

I would like to tie you up , and never let you go ...

Am I weirdo ?

I love that Argentinian queen of mine still so fucking much
And I love this new dream queen from Makedonia so fucking much also

SO I basically love two girls at same time in partly same ways and partly different ways
I am not sure whom I want from those ( I know I can get other but other I probably can not get .... )

And I love them so much it hurts .....

But scarring thing is this , I am not sure that am I able to love or is my love more like desire and lust ( as my past is freaking abused .... I can not know .... )

I D K

But if one of those queens ( or goddesses ) reads this , I would like to know what she thinks ....

I have huge inspiration and improvisation fit
I have been writing 5 hours straight now
I just can not stop

I AM OFF LIKE A LIGHTSWITCH IN A NORWEIGAN ICE STORM..

PS3 test

My finger , finger , in your hole
Who is the blessed tonights whore
My finger , finger , in your hole
You are my tonights glory hole

My finger , finger , in your whore hole
Who has the best finger of thy all
Finger , finger in your tighty hole
I got best fingers of thy all

Blessed be the hot summer nights
When my fingers are all over you from head to thighs
Blessed be the hot summer nights
When my fingers fills the hole , between your cute thighs

My finger , finger , in your hole
When I am done you pray for more
My finger , finger , in your hole
I got best fingers of thy all

Because of what happened tonight


When I was walking with the dogs , I noticed something reflect in the light beam of coming ahead car , it was outside the road , in the ditch .

( about 400m from my front door )

I went to see closer and there was a car (red vw golf) I took a look inside and saw the driver on the passengers side , kinda disorientated .

I asked from him that is he OK , he said yes , I kept him a company and we tried to figure a way to get the golf out of the ditch . ( I noticed that he is high on something but he claimed that he has a blood pressure issues )

I was there about an hour then the dogs get bored so I needed to get back home , so I asked from the guy that is everything surely ok and that does he manage .

He said that yes I will manage .

So I left !

But back in home , I did get eerie feeling that maybe all is not so fine after all , so I did call to a emergency number and explained this all to a man in there and they said that they will send someone just to check that he is ok .

And wau there really was blue lights . ( like 5 fire trucks , 3 ambulances and 4 cop cars and I am sure there was train ticket inspectors as well - whole bureaucratic well oiled rescue machine was there )

They did take the driver to somewhere . ( I am not sure that did they took him to a hospital or to police station ... )
The car is still in the ditch , and I can not sleep .

Amazing but true

I think i will be too tired today to do anything at all ....